Being Who You are - How? And Why is it Important?
“The most common form of despair is not being who you are.” – Soren Kierkegaard
Despair. Hearing this word, we think of catastrophes, life-changing events, war and death, or at the very least separation or loss of a livelihood.
And then I look at the above quote and realise that whilst all these things certainly cause despair and are awful, they’re the exception, rather than the rule. Note that Kierkegaard doesn’t say “the worst kind” or “the most devastating form” of despair. He calls it the “most common” form.
Which means no less than this: More people are affected by this form of despair than any other kind. And I believe that’s spot-on. It’s the great malaise of our time, and it comes in different forms. I’m going to talk about two of them in this article, and provide you with ways of escaping (or in the ideal case, avoiding altogether) them.
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The big one: Out of alignment
I’ve spoken of alignment before. It’s a major factor in personal happiness, contentment, and also your health. That’s because life out of alignment can have fairly serious consequences. If you force yourself to act against your own inner nature, you’ll pay a price.
This is one of the reasons why knowing your purpose is so good for you. It makes decisions a breeze, in any area of your life, because you can always weigh your options against your purpose. If they don’t match, you know it’s not a good fit for you.
The most obvious thing to be in alignment with is your values. If you’re new around here, I have put together a list of values to inspire you. You can download it here, spontaneously pick the values that seem meaningful to you, and then use the knock-out system to arrive at your top five.
This doesn’t mean that nothing else is important to you, only that these are the most important values. Then make sure that you’ll never have a job, relationship, or hobby that goes against one of these values. The more aligned they are, the happier you’ll be.
Who you are
Being out of alignment with your values is a fairly major thing, and once you know what you’re looking for, it’ll stick out like a sore thumb. But that doesn’t mean you’re out of the woodwork yet.
Not going against your core values is a pretty low bar. It’s like saying: “I’m not bleeding to death right now, so I’m perfectly healthy!” There are other, more subtle ways of not being who you are that are just as devastating, especially in the long run.
And the “most common form of despair” indeed lies in that area.
The quiet, nagging feeling of emptiness, the “is that all?” feeling so many of us have, comes from, not so much going against who you are, but rather from suppressing it – in other words, not expressing your true nature, not living your truth.
Passions, hobbies and interests are so important because they are, indeed, perfect expressions of who you are, of your – dare I say it? – wild spirit. They make you happy, too. Perhaps the best thing about them, though, is the fact that you don’t need anyone else for them (by this, I mean: any particular person. If your passion is a team sport, you obviously need others to pursue it, but you don’t need to, for example, be married to one particular person). That’s what makes them so valuable.
How to achieve this
I hope by now it’s clear that my insistence on slowing down, simplifying life and creating space for passions isn’t just a “nice to have” ideal. It’s as fundamental as breathing – at least, it is if you aim to live with joy and fulfilment.
In our day and age, it’s no small task to achieve this. The entire world is designed to push you off this path, to distract you with shiny commercialism, status and “success”. Keeping people unhappy is, cynical as it may sound, good business. At the same time, many of the most successful people both nowadays and in history, have resisted the scattering of their attention. True leaders know that less is indeed more. That’s why my clients almost invariably get pay rises or promotions when they do my program. It’s not an accident.
So yes, I advise you to get support. This could take a number of forms, which I’ll present in ascending order, starting with the cheapest:
Read books about slowing down, digital minimalism, and setting priorities.
Attend courses and workshops on the subject.
Join or create a group of like-minded individuals and keep each other accountable as you slow down, simplify and re-direct your attention, again and again, on what truly matters.
Get individual, one-on-one coaching. If you wish to make your passion a business, there are a lot of coaches offering support for this. If, however, you’d like to stay employed (at least for the time being), schedule a chat with me at the bottom of this page.
Put it in practice
If you ask me for just one piece of advice, though, I’d say not to try to do it all at once. Small changes make a big difference indeed. Pick one of the above points and put that into practice. Then another, if you feel it’s necessary, but wait a few weeks at least to see the impact of the first change and to get used to it. And so forth.
In no time at all, you won’t know yourself. Your life can truly, fundamentally change, and you need only minor visible adjustments. It’s your inner life that’ll be unrecognisable, and the term “despair” will hold no meaning for you anymore.